I Do Without You
marrying your best friend without your other best friend?
that one hurts.
on 12.31.22, my husband and i rang in the new year with a magical wedding surrounded by SO many of our family and friends. it was a perfect day, but i have been struggling to put into words all of the emotions i have felt over the last month. overwhelming joy, exhaustion, excitement, sadness, grief, and love - to feel so many things at once has been a lot to process for my anxious little heart.
yesterday, while lying in bed and mindlessly scrolling through instagram, i came across a quote that said, "a disco ball is hundreds of pieces of broken glass put together to make a magical ball of light," and that is exactly what i feel like...
a disco ball .
hundreds of emotionally charged, individual pieces of fragile, sharp glass. each piece representing the things and people that make me happy, the things and people that make me sad, the loved ones who left us too soon, the joy-filled moments, the anxious moments, the furry-four legged friends, the exciting prospect of the future and all that is in store, dear friends, beloved family, and most importantly, my husband.
12.31.22 was one of the most memorable days of my life - but it is impossible to think back on the day without acknowledging the immense sadness I felt in so many moments of that day - grieving for all the lost moments she wasn’t there for.
surrounded by our best friends and family and a fuck ton of disco balls, we lived up every single second of that magical evening and will never forget the joy, love, and immense support we felt that day. but i will also never be able to forget what was missing.
there were so many moments i found myself frozen - thinking how much mom would have loved everything about that day and how much my heart ached for her - for a hug, a laugh, a toast of champagne.
sometimes it feels so wrong to feel happiness and joy in moments she was robbed of. and as much as i know she would want me to live life fully and completely, i miss her in all of them. 🖤