Day One.

365 days.

8,760 hours.

525,600 minutes.

31,536,000 seconds.

That’s how long it’s been since I last held your hand. Since I last hugged you or felt your heartbeat.

One whole year – and God has it been a hell of a year.

365 days ago, my heart broke, and since then, I have been trying like hell to put it back together.

When we lost you that night, I didn’t think I would be able to go on. I didn’t know how to exist in a world without you in it. The pain of that day, of watching you disappear before our eyes, hurt more than I ever thought possible. But it was in the days, the weeks, and the months after where I discovered that I didn’t even know what pain was.

When I went to bed in the early morning hours of February 11, 2019 – I told myself that I just needed to get through day one. I just needed to wake up the next day and prove to myself that I could get out of bed and survive that first day.

And then… the ones that followed. If I could just keep standing even though I could barely breathe. If I could just make it through the texts and the friends dropping by to tell me I would be ok, even though I felt like I was dying.

And then it was the weekend… your beautiful funeral that Saturday, so full of love and tears. If I could make it through that day, then I could survive anything.

By the next Wednesday, the pain was still so raw – but it didn’t keep me from work, and I managed to hide it from everyone.

I convinced myself then that by day 50, I wouldn’t need to drink to help me close my eyes at night, and by spring, I could fake it enough to make everyone believe that I was just fine.

And then – if I could just make it through all the firsts. Mother’s Day, Thanksgiving, your birthday... Christmas. A new year, a new decade, and then, today.

I told myself that if I could just survive that first year, then it would get easier. The pain wouldn’t be so awful.

But I was wrong.

There are still so many things I am trying to get used to...
Your voice missing from the other end every time I call your phone.
Your car still in the garage, and your closet full of clothes that will never be worn.
Your goofy text messages, just checking in to see how I am and you not being there every time I come home.

But the one thing that I will never get used to is you being gone.

And looking back, there are so many days that I barely survived. Days at work where I was too bitter or sad to even pretend like I was okay. Days where I would cry so hard just to keep my heart from drowning. Moments where it hurt so bad that I didn’t even want to live another one without you. Nights where the wine was the only thing that helped me through those sleepless hours. It turns out you have no idea how long the dark lasts when you cannot close your eyes to it.

I miss you so much. I miss you every day, but today especially. My heart aches for you as every single moment of that day are so fresh in my mind. It’s funny how a memory works – the things you can’t quite remember and the ones you will never forget.

I cannot believe you’ve been gone for a year – it feels like a lifetime ago and like yesterday all at the same time.

365 days ago, I thought that if I could just make it through day one I would be ok… but now, 365 days later I realize that every day will be day one. No matter how many days that pass, no matter how many days I make it through, every day is that first day without you. Every day I experience new pains, new memories that make missing you so horribly painful.

I will never get used to you being gone. So here we are… 365 days + one…
still missing you in every moment.

I love you –

Me.