Keep Shining
“I know you’re exhausted. I can see it in your eyes. I know you’ve been through hell. I know your heart is worn and beaten. You don’t have to say a word. I sense it. The pain, I can feel what hurts. You're sad, of course you are. Because you think your life isn’t going as planned. Because almost everything you do leads to some terrible disappointment. But please, don’t stop believing. Hope is a beautiful thing. A miraculous this. You’re not alone, you never were and you never will be. Keep shining.” - r.m.d.
It’s Sunday night and I just had to say goodbye to my adorable, furry, four-legged best friend yet again to hit the road for work. It’s been a long, exhausting two weeks, and as I sit here watching fields of corn pass by as we drive through the middle of nowhere, I can’t help but reflect on the last few days.
I worked almost 70 hours last week. I’ve felt every emotion on the spectrum. I laughed my ass off, I cried my eyes out more times than I care to admit, I smiled when I didn’t think I could, and I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve said “I’m fine” when I didn’t really mean it. I’ve been crabby, worn down, and downright sad.
But then I think of my mom and I remind myself that like her, I can get through anything. And just like her, I should focus on all the good. So I called her. In the middle of I-70 in a car full of coworkers just so I could hear her voice and know that she was doing ok. And to remind myself that I was going to be ok too.
As a side note to anyone reading this, I have offered to be mom’s official blogger for this site. As you can imagine, she is super exhausted and it is difficult for her to respond to every text, call, email, and Facebook message she gets. Above everything, I can tell you that she (and my entire family) cannot thank you all for all of the support she has received so far. She is one tough cookie- but being the social butterfly that she is, I know that she would not be where she is mentally without all the love you have given her during this really shitty time. We hope that you can come to this blog as a place to hear updates on mom’s status and send her any messages you want her to get. If you are trying to get a hold of her outside of this blog, please try to either email or text her and she will get back to you as soon as she can.
Many of you may have received mom’s last email (see previous blog below if you missed it) so you know that she had her second round of intensive chemo treatment last Tuesday. She was in great spirits Tuesday night and even managed a fun night out with sister Patty donning her awesome chemo fanny pack.
Unfortunately, later that evening chemo took its toll on her and after being up most of the night feeling not so well (🤢), she spent all of Wednesday in bed. I know this only because I obviously tried calling the house phone 500,000 times with no answer at which point I (in normal freakout mode) assumed the worst and called dad at work. Thankfully he is the calmest, most patient, amazing guy in the world and assured me she was fine. Just really, really sleepy.
The first real conversation I had with her wasn’t until Friday mid-morning, and it was one that made my heart hurt. My beautiful, strong, confident mama finally felt all the emotions I have wanted to scream at the top of my lungs for so long.
She was ANGRY.
Damn right she should be angry.
But she was also sad and tired and hungry. Physically and mentally exhausted. And to her, the worst emotion ever, she finally felt sorry for herself. It’s the hardest thing in the world to hear someone you love so much feel so upset. It’s even worse when you’re two states away and want nothing more to give her teeny tiny boney body the biggest hug in the world. I didn’t know what to tell her. I can’t image what she’s going through. I can’t image the pain she is feeling. What the chemo feels like as it ravages her body and drains her mentally. All I could tell her was “mom, it’s OK TO FEEL SORRY FOR YOURSELF. You are ALLOWED to feel sad. I love you. And I am here. Keep shining.”
I hung up with her that day with the worst fear in my mind. That maybe her spirit has dwindled. That the amazing fight and attitude she has had through all of this was finally slipping away. But in typically Terri fashion, she texted me the next morning with the most uplifting good morning text I could have ever asked for. She is just the best.
She spent Sunday with dad, working around the house and then sunning herself with her feet soaking in her brand new kiddy pool. She is feeling better every day since her last treatment and is still as goofy as ever.
Her hair has officially started falling out, which she said the weirdest thing ever, but somehow still manages to make jokes about it all. Tomorrow she takes her new wig in to get styled so it looks just like the real thing. 🤗 Eating continues to be an ongoing problem and solid foods remain enemy number one. I never thought, in a million years, that I would hear someone say they HATE ice cream, but those words actually came out of her mouth on Friday. Crazy huh? 🤷🏼♀️
Her current treatment plan is still on track with her next high-dose chemo scheduled for Aug. 21st. Please continue sending all your prayers and love her way.
Last but not least, I have ordered (20) rings and (50) bracelets in my new favorite color, TERRI-winkle blue. I expect to receive them sometime this week. Please let me know if you or any of your family would like one and I would love to mail some your way! You can email me at mholt@uwalumni.com with your address and how many you would like! I will continue to order more as needed. 😌
#noonefightsalone #hope #terriwinkleblue #terriscrew
